December 31, 2014

Things are good here and I hope they’re good for you, too.

May 2015 be a year of sobriety and healing for all who need it!


June 4, 2012

Here are two books I just discovered.  I haven’t read them yet, but I wanted to go ahead and note them here as they sound interesting/relevant:

The first was brought to my attention by this piece in the LA Times.  This seems to be an especially relevant quote:

Since there are no limits on porn, kids can be watching. So you have a 12-year-old who has no sexual experience at all, and that’s what his view of romance becomes. It doesn’t include talking or negotiation, it has no boundaries, not even foreplay — it’s a totally alien view of what ordinary sexual relationships are and can be.

5 years

June 4, 2012

It’s been five years since I started working on my addiction and almost five since I started this blog.  I’m also at more than three years of sobriety.  In that time, Ann and I have gone through a lot (both related to my addiction and otherwise).  I’m still here and we’re still here.  Our relationship is better than ever.  Thank you, Ann, for your patience and love.

Sometimes it’s been difficult, but it has never been as difficult as I used to think it would be.  I don’t have much else to say, but I just wanted to put this here – things are good.  I’m still working, but things are good.

Still around

September 16, 2011

I’m still here. I’m busy and happy, but I’m here. Things are going well, but there’s a lot going on. I’ll try to write more soon, but I always say that and it usually doesn’t happen.

I’m posting today to share this interesting and humorous post on Cracked.com. In particular, the points about addiction and counseling are relevant, but it’s a good read overall.

Society was — and still is — in the dark ages when it comes to any kind of mental or emotional problems. Practical advice on dealing with your own emotional swings is not a subject you’ll find being taught at schools or home or… pretty much anywhere. To this day, if you need physical therapy on a knee you sprained playing football, you’re a badass. But if you need mental therapy, even simple counseling, you’re crazy. Damaged. All talk of it is awkward, the subject of jokes to be made when they’re well out of earshot. So the stigma keeps us at home, quietly accepting that there’s something wrong with us. Something shameful.

He’s got a point there; that’s why I didn’t want to get help (or even admit I had a problem) for so long.

Happy New Year

December 31, 2010

Things are going pretty well here. 2010 was a good year in many ways. In others, it was pretty difficult. I’m enjoying being “sober” (in quotes because that term seems strange for sex addiction, but I don’t know what else to call it – a little more than 1.5 years now of really being sober), but it can be pretty difficult sometimes…I guess I’m just not used to dealing with life without having some sort of crutch. I’m getting there, though. I’d much rather actually feel things and deal with things than let them build up over years and manifest in ways that aren’t consistent with who I am (or at least who I want to be). Regardless, this has been the first calendar year in a long time (a very long time) that was pornography-free for me. I’m looking forward to many more to come. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, though; I still try to take things as they come.

I don’t really have a lot to say…I just wanted anyone who might be reading to know that I’m still here and still working on my recovery. Good luck to everyone in 2011!

How Pornography Drugs & Changes Your Brain

July 12, 2010

This is an interesting article from Salvo magazine about the science behind pornography addiction:

Slave Master: How Pornography Drugs & Changes Your Brain

While some have avoided using the term “addiction” in the context of natural compulsions such as uncontrolled sexuality, overeating, or gambling, let us consider current scientific evidence regarding the brain and addiction.

This article will seek to answer two questions: (1) Biologically, is the brain affected by pornography and other sexual addictions? (2) If so, and if such addictions are widespread, can they have a societal effect as well?

It’s an interesting read.

Three Years

May 17, 2010

I’m still here. It’s been a while since I posted…that’s because things have been going pretty well, actually. I’ve also been busy. Neither of those are any excuse, though; I really need to write here more often. It always makes me feel better (even when I feel okay, like right now). Some of what I’ve written below may seem overly dramatic, but it’s the way I feel.

Today marks three years since I began my recovery. I still don’t like that word (“recovery”), but that’s the generally accepted term. I’m also at about 13 months “sober” (not my favorite word, since that seems to imply the absence of an outside chemical and that isn’t the case for me, but I don’t know what else to call it). I mean really sober; during my first two years of recovery, I slipped up a few times (after the first 6 months, it was about once every 2-3 months with each slipup lasting 2 days to one week of porn browsing) but pretended that everything was okay and I was still being “good.” Ever since I acknowledged the depth of my sex addiction, it’s been so much easier to do what I know is right and to remain true to my morals and to myself. Don’t get me wrong; I still get tempted. I also still have what I like to call “annoying thoughts,” which is basically just my way of saying that I think about porn on some level (usually, it’s just an image that I saw in the past will pop into my head rather than a specific urge to look at something, though that does happen sometimes). Usually, the temptation and/or the “annoying thoughts” and the associated anxiety are easy to overcome. Other times, though, they’re much harder to overcome. But I do overcome them through thought and discussion with Ann and basically just reminding myself that that’s not me anymore. The fact that I’m able to overcome any of them on my own (or at all, really) proves to me that I’ve come a long way.

I don’t have a lot to say today, really. I’m just glad it’s 5/17/10 and not 5/17/07, which was the day that Ann discovered my addiction to pornography (strictly speaking, I suppose my recovery began shortly after that rather than that day, but this feels like the right day to count as the beginning of my recovery because it really does feel like that’s the day my life changed…in some ways, it feels like that’s the day my life began).

The last three years haven’t always been great; part of them have been the hardest times of my life. We spent the summer of 2007 exploring my pornography addiction and I spent the next two years hiding the other related issues (cybersex). Even so, I did a lot of work in that time, which made my final (and I do mean final, there’s nothing else to reveal) revelations a lot easier to work through (though I still freaked out quite a bit — Ann and I now jokingly refer to the summers of 2007 and 2009 as my “witching hours”). I worked on a lot of other issues (ie., grief) during those two years. That is what helped me get to the point where I was ready to work through the rest.

Like I said, the past three years have been hard. In a lot of ways, though, they’ve been so much easier than anything that came before them. The bad times are better, and so are the good times because there’s nothing lurking in the shadows spoiling my good time. Life has been so much better since I really started working on my issues (not to mention since I really started living in accordance with my morals and values, including telling my wife about what’s going on in my head). Through this work, I’ve been able to see that, though I have screwed up (a lot!), I’m actually an ok guy. Yes, I’m flawed, but so is everybody else. I’ve just realized that I don’t have to let my flaws or poor choices I made years ago govern how I live my life today. It’s been a really liberating time. I’m not sure if I’ve posted this before, but I feel like prior to three years ago, my life was in black and white. When I started to work through things, it became like the Wizard of Oz where it was kind of sepia toned until, as I progressed, it turned into vivid colors. Since last year, when I acknowledged how far I’d gone and how much bigger the problem was, it’s been like my life is suddenly in 3D. It’s great.

I couldn’t have made it through the last three years (or the several before that, really) without the love and support of Ann. I love you, Ann, with all my heart. Thank you for being with me and for (still) trusting me, despite everything. I know I’ve told you, but I really do feel like you saved my life that day three years ago. Thank you!

I’ll try to write more soon. Just remember if you’re going through this sort of thing on either side (addict or addict’s partner, friend, loved one, etc), you’re not alone. Knowing that has helped me get where I am, and I hope that it will help you too.

I guess I had more to say than I thought. 🙂