Trust

I’d like to write a little about trust, since I’ve been asked how and why I’ve been able to trust Matt again, after everything that’s happened between us.

Well, when I first found out that Matt was still looking at porn (almost two years ago now – it’s crazy to think that it’s been that long!), I felt really stupid for trusting him when he’d told me he’d stopped.  I felt that I shouldn’t have let my guard down and that I should have been more vigilant. My first instinct was to become more cautious and alert in the future.

But eventually I asked myself if trusting him had really been so wrong. He’s my husband, after all – I’m supposed to trust him! And I had reason to believe that I could, so why wouldn’t I have?

Then I asked myself: if I HAD watched Matt more closely in the years leading up to my discovery, would it have guaranteed that he’d never have lied to me? No, of course not! It would, however, have guaranteed that I’d have spent a lot of time and energy being suspicious and watching him like a hawk. My suspicion wouldn’t have softened the blow when I finally discovered the truth; I still would have been lied to and hurt in the end. So the vigilance would have all been for nothing, and the time and energy would have been wasted. I might have felt even worse, thinking that I’d tried but not hard enough.

And then I realized that the same thing could happen again: I could vow to watch him more closely from now on and to not let myself trust him too much — but he could still lie to me if he really wanted to. After all, I’m not with him 24 hours a day, every day. He’ll always have opportunities. So the question then became: how did I want to spend my time and energy? Worrying about what he was doing and watching over his shoulder, even if it wouldn’t guarantee my security? No.

I don’t want him to keep from looking at porn because he’s afraid of being caught. I want him to “act right” because it’s what he believes in and it’s what he wants to do. Otherwise the change in his behavior won’t be worth anything (IMO) and probably won’t last.

I want to be with a man who’s capable of watching over himself and of controlling his own behavior. If I tried to take over Matt’s addiction for him, it wouldn’t do either of us any good. While I can be there for him and help him, ultimately he is the only one who can work through his issues, and I need to let him do that.

When I made the decision to trust Matt again, I thought about our whole history together, and evaluated how he had treated me (and others) the majority of the time. What it came down to was this: I honestly believe he’s a great guy, that he loves me, and that he didn’t do any of this stuff because he intended to hurt me. More importantly, I still felt he was a generally trustworthy person. That didn’t excuse the lies he had told, or make the lying right, but it meant I could move past it and give him another chance. I’m aware that this puts me in a vulnerable position, but it’s a decision I’ve consciously made. If it turns out to have been the wrong decision, I trust that I’ll be able to deal with the consequences.

Obviously each person has to examine the circumstances of their own relationship, and decide whether or not they think it’s a smart idea to trust their partner again. Even if you feel that the other person is inherently well-meaning, you may recognize that they’re not willing or able to change at this point in time, and if that’s the case, maybe it’s not a good idea to trust them right now. No one knows your relationship, or the person you’re involved with, better than you! So look at your relationship from every angle and then trust yourself to know what you should do next. More importantly, trust in your own strength and resilience to get you through whatever ends up happening. Best of luck!