Growing up

Today marks two years since I started this blog. A lot has changed for me, mentally and emotionally, in that time.

I wrote a while ago about 12 steps and how, while the groups are not for me, I was working through the steps themselves. I have continued to do so, and lately I have been really thoroughly doing step 4, so I have been making a real inventory of the things I have done (including the cybersex that I only recently acknowledged to Ann). I am sharing this inventory with Ann, which is part of step 5 (sharing with another person). The sharing is hard, but it’s been good and freeing, even though it hurts at times. Even though it can be painful, hurting like this is better than the numbness that I used to feel.

I feel like crap about the things that I have done. The lies are the worst, which I suppose makes sense. I am sorry for the actions and the acting out, I truly am, but I am more sorry for having not confessed sooner and for having worked so hard to cover things up. I wonder what I could have accomplished in my life and my relationships (friendships, family relationships, marriage) if I hadn’t spent so much effort and time trying to hide what was really going on underneath the surface. I don’t want to be like that anymore, and I’m trying not to. Sometimes, that’s easier than others.

I have lied to Ann; both lies of omission (not telling her about my addiction and how I was so scared and was trying to numb myself to the world) and lies of commission (telling her that I was okay when I wasn’t, telling her I hadn’t said or done things that I had). The lies grew and grew with time, escalating with the addiction. I felt the need to control my situation all the time, even though I know Ann (and others; I have done this my whole life) can handle the truth and should have a complete picture of me and my situation.

I grew up thinking that lying was the worst thing a person could do. I still feel that way, at least to an extent. I hate that I was so scared of “upsetting the balance” that I allowed myself to do just that by holding back from myself, from my parents, from my friends, and from Ann (who I really do love more than I can describe).

I sometimes feel like the lies, which I have now come clean about, have negated what she recently posted about still trusting me, though she has told me otherwise. I trust her, though, so I am doing my best to accept what she has told me while continuing to work through my issues. I have decided that I am going to be a man and step up and take responsibility for my actions, even if there are consequences. It’s hard to do this sometimes, but it’s the right thing to do. That’s all I have ever wanted to do: the right thing. I am tired of trying to control things because it doesn’t work anyway.

It’s time to finish growing up. I know I have grown so much in the last two years (which I have sometimes had to remind myself about in recent weeks, since it at times feels like I’m starting from scratch), and I know that I still have work to do. I’m doing my best to be courageous and not live in fear anymore. Living in fear sucks, and I’m tired of doing it.

I feel like these past two years have been the best of my life (and it’s not like the rest of my life was really bad), because they are the two years during which I have been the closest to being a “grown up” in the maturity sense. That’s what I want to continue. I don’t want to dwell on the past; instead, I want to learn from it and continue my journey forward. Basically, I just want to be the best Matt that I can be.

Thanks to Ann helping me open the door, I have been able to make steps in that direction during these past two years (and these past two months, since I finally came clean about the rest of the facets of my sexual addiction). It has taken a lot of soul-searching and a lot of hard work (and I know the work isn’t over yet; it seems like most days I encounter something that brings an old memory to the surface that I need to discuss), but I feel better than I’ve ever felt. Feeling better is actually scary sometimes, but I refuse to stand in my own way any longer.

Thank you, Ann, for helping me realize that I needed to make changes and for being here for me when I’ve needed to talk things through. I love you. Thank you for not giving up on me. I am not going to give up on myself, either.