2015

Things are good here and I hope they’re good for you, too.

May 2015 be a year of sobriety and healing for all who need it!

Books

Here are two books I just discovered.  I haven’t read them yet, but I wanted to go ahead and note them here as they sound interesting/relevant:

• The Demise of Guys: Why Boys Are Struggling and What We Can Do About It by Philip Zimbardo and Nikita Duncan
• Make Love Not Porn: Technology’s Hardcore Impact on Human Behavior by Cindy Gallop

The first was brought to my attention by this piece in the LA Times.  This seems to be an especially relevant quote:

Since there are no limits on porn, kids can be watching. So you have a 12-year-old who has no sexual experience at all, and that’s what his view of romance becomes. It doesn’t include talking or negotiation, it has no boundaries, not even foreplay — it’s a totally alien view of what ordinary sexual relationships are and can be.

5 years

It’s been five years since I started working on my addiction and almost five since I started this blog.  I’m also at more than three years of sobriety.  In that time, Ann and I have gone through a lot (both related to my addiction and otherwise).  I’m still here and we’re still here.  Our relationship is better than ever.  Thank you, Ann, for your patience and love.

Sometimes it’s been difficult, but it has never been as difficult as I used to think it would be.  I don’t have much else to say, but I just wanted to put this here – things are good.  I’m still working, but things are good.

Still around

I’m still here. I’m busy and happy, but I’m here. Things are going well, but there’s a lot going on. I’ll try to write more soon, but I always say that and it usually doesn’t happen.

I’m posting today to share this interesting and humorous post on Cracked.com. In particular, the points about addiction and counseling are relevant, but it’s a good read overall.

Society was — and still is — in the dark ages when it comes to any kind of mental or emotional problems. Practical advice on dealing with your own emotional swings is not a subject you’ll find being taught at schools or home or… pretty much anywhere. To this day, if you need physical therapy on a knee you sprained playing football, you’re a badass. But if you need mental therapy, even simple counseling, you’re crazy. Damaged. All talk of it is awkward, the subject of jokes to be made when they’re well out of earshot. So the stigma keeps us at home, quietly accepting that there’s something wrong with us. Something shameful.

He’s got a point there; that’s why I didn’t want to get help (or even admit I had a problem) for so long.

Happy New Year

Things are going pretty well here. 2010 was a good year in many ways. In others, it was pretty difficult. I’m enjoying being “sober” (in quotes because that term seems strange for sex addiction, but I don’t know what else to call it – a little more than 1.5 years now of really being sober), but it can be pretty difficult sometimes…I guess I’m just not used to dealing with life without having some sort of crutch. I’m getting there, though. I’d much rather actually feel things and deal with things than let them build up over years and manifest in ways that aren’t consistent with who I am (or at least who I want to be). Regardless, this has been the first calendar year in a long time (a very long time) that was pornography-free for me. I’m looking forward to many more to come. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, though; I still try to take things as they come.

I don’t really have a lot to say…I just wanted anyone who might be reading to know that I’m still here and still working on my recovery. Good luck to everyone in 2011!

How Pornography Drugs & Changes Your Brain

This is an interesting article from Salvo magazine about the science behind pornography addiction:

“Slave Master: How Pornography Drugs & Changes Your Brain”

While some have avoided using the term “addiction” in the context of natural compulsions such as uncontrolled sexuality, overeating, or gambling, let us consider current scientific evidence regarding the brain and addiction.

This article will seek to answer two questions: (1) Biologically, is the brain affected by pornography and other sexual addictions? (2) If so, and if such addictions are widespread, can they have a societal effect as well?

It’s an interesting read.

Three Years

I’m still here. It’s been a while since I posted…that’s because things have been going pretty well, actually. I’ve also been busy. Neither of those are any excuse, though; I really need to write here more often. It always makes me feel better (even when I feel okay, like right now). Some of what I’ve written below may seem overly dramatic, but it’s the way I feel.

Today marks three years since I began my recovery. I still don’t like that word (“recovery”), but that’s the generally accepted term. I’m also at about 13 months “sober” (not my favorite word, since that seems to imply the absence of an outside chemical and that isn’t the case for me, but I don’t know what else to call it). I mean really sober; during my first two years of recovery, I slipped up a few times (after the first 6 months, it was about once every 2-3 months with each slipup lasting 2 days to one week of porn browsing) but pretended that everything was okay and I was still being “good.” Ever since I acknowledged the depth of my sex addiction, it’s been so much easier to do what I know is right and to remain true to my morals and to myself. Don’t get me wrong; I still get tempted. I also still have what I like to call “annoying thoughts,” which is basically just my way of saying that I think about porn on some level (usually, it’s just an image that I saw in the past will pop into my head rather than a specific urge to look at something, though that does happen sometimes). Usually, the temptation and/or the “annoying thoughts” and the associated anxiety are easy to overcome. Other times, though, they’re much harder to overcome. But I do overcome them through thought and discussion with Ann and basically just reminding myself that that’s not me anymore. The fact that I’m able to overcome any of them on my own (or at all, really) proves to me that I’ve come a long way.

I don’t have a lot to say today, really. I’m just glad it’s 5/17/10 and not 5/17/07, which was the day that Ann discovered my addiction to pornography (strictly speaking, I suppose my recovery began shortly after that rather than that day, but this feels like the right day to count as the beginning of my recovery because it really does feel like that’s the day my life changed…in some ways, it feels like that’s the day my life began).

The last three years haven’t always been great; part of them have been the hardest times of my life. We spent the summer of 2007 exploring my pornography addiction and I spent the next two years hiding the other related issues (cybersex). Even so, I did a lot of work in that time, which made my final (and I do mean final, there’s nothing else to reveal) revelations a lot easier to work through (though I still freaked out quite a bit — Ann and I now jokingly refer to the summers of 2007 and 2009 as my “witching hours”). I worked on a lot of other issues (ie., grief) during those two years. That is what helped me get to the point where I was ready to work through the rest.

Like I said, the past three years have been hard. In a lot of ways, though, they’ve been so much easier than anything that came before them. The bad times are better, and so are the good times because there’s nothing lurking in the shadows spoiling my good time. Life has been so much better since I really started working on my issues (not to mention since I really started living in accordance with my morals and values, including telling my wife about what’s going on in my head). Through this work, I’ve been able to see that, though I have screwed up (a lot!), I’m actually an ok guy. Yes, I’m flawed, but so is everybody else. I’ve just realized that I don’t have to let my flaws or poor choices I made years ago govern how I live my life today. It’s been a really liberating time. I’m not sure if I’ve posted this before, but I feel like prior to three years ago, my life was in black and white. When I started to work through things, it became like the Wizard of Oz where it was kind of sepia toned until, as I progressed, it turned into vivid colors. Since last year, when I acknowledged how far I’d gone and how much bigger the problem was, it’s been like my life is suddenly in 3D. It’s great.

I couldn’t have made it through the last three years (or the several before that, really) without the love and support of Ann. I love you, Ann, with all my heart. Thank you for being with me and for (still) trusting me, despite everything. I know I’ve told you, but I really do feel like you saved my life that day three years ago. Thank you!

I’ll try to write more soon. Just remember if you’re going through this sort of thing on either side (addict or addict’s partner, friend, loved one, etc), you’re not alone. Knowing that has helped me get where I am, and I hope that it will help you too.

I guess I had more to say than I thought. 🙂

Growing up

Today marks two years since I started this blog. A lot has changed for me, mentally and emotionally, in that time.

I wrote a while ago about 12 steps and how, while the groups are not for me, I was working through the steps themselves. I have continued to do so, and lately I have been really thoroughly doing step 4, so I have been making a real inventory of the things I have done (including the cybersex that I only recently acknowledged to Ann). I am sharing this inventory with Ann, which is part of step 5 (sharing with another person). The sharing is hard, but it’s been good and freeing, even though it hurts at times. Even though it can be painful, hurting like this is better than the numbness that I used to feel.

I feel like crap about the things that I have done. The lies are the worst, which I suppose makes sense. I am sorry for the actions and the acting out, I truly am, but I am more sorry for having not confessed sooner and for having worked so hard to cover things up. I wonder what I could have accomplished in my life and my relationships (friendships, family relationships, marriage) if I hadn’t spent so much effort and time trying to hide what was really going on underneath the surface. I don’t want to be like that anymore, and I’m trying not to. Sometimes, that’s easier than others.

I have lied to Ann; both lies of omission (not telling her about my addiction and how I was so scared and was trying to numb myself to the world) and lies of commission (telling her that I was okay when I wasn’t, telling her I hadn’t said or done things that I had). The lies grew and grew with time, escalating with the addiction. I felt the need to control my situation all the time, even though I know Ann (and others; I have done this my whole life) can handle the truth and should have a complete picture of me and my situation.

I grew up thinking that lying was the worst thing a person could do. I still feel that way, at least to an extent. I hate that I was so scared of “upsetting the balance” that I allowed myself to do just that by holding back from myself, from my parents, from my friends, and from Ann (who I really do love more than I can describe).

I sometimes feel like the lies, which I have now come clean about, have negated what she recently posted about still trusting me, though she has told me otherwise. I trust her, though, so I am doing my best to accept what she has told me while continuing to work through my issues. I have decided that I am going to be a man and step up and take responsibility for my actions, even if there are consequences. It’s hard to do this sometimes, but it’s the right thing to do. That’s all I have ever wanted to do: the right thing. I am tired of trying to control things because it doesn’t work anyway.

It’s time to finish growing up. I know I have grown so much in the last two years (which I have sometimes had to remind myself about in recent weeks, since it at times feels like I’m starting from scratch), and I know that I still have work to do. I’m doing my best to be courageous and not live in fear anymore. Living in fear sucks, and I’m tired of doing it.

I feel like these past two years have been the best of my life (and it’s not like the rest of my life was really bad), because they are the two years during which I have been the closest to being a “grown up” in the maturity sense. That’s what I want to continue. I don’t want to dwell on the past; instead, I want to learn from it and continue my journey forward. Basically, I just want to be the best Matt that I can be.

Thanks to Ann helping me open the door, I have been able to make steps in that direction during these past two years (and these past two months, since I finally came clean about the rest of the facets of my sexual addiction). It has taken a lot of soul-searching and a lot of hard work (and I know the work isn’t over yet; it seems like most days I encounter something that brings an old memory to the surface that I need to discuss), but I feel better than I’ve ever felt. Feeling better is actually scary sometimes, but I refuse to stand in my own way any longer.

Thank you, Ann, for helping me realize that I needed to make changes and for being here for me when I’ve needed to talk things through. I love you. Thank you for not giving up on me. I am not going to give up on myself, either.

So the Little Got More and More (escalations part 2, aka “On Trust”)

I have had a lot on my mind lately, as you’ll soon see. I’m sorry that this is somewhat poorly organized; I just felt the need to get it out.

Last week when I read Ann’s post about how she still trusts me despite the things I’ve done, some things became clear in my head, though admittedly it took a little while for them to do so. I have been struggling with guilt related to the things I’ve done for a long time now, and it has been very difficult for me at times. Reading her post made me very happy on the one hand, because I know that I have made great strides toward “sobriety” in terms of my addiction, but on the other hand, it made me really want to live up to her sentiments – I want to earn the trust that she has placed in me and be the trustworthy man that she seems to know I am (even though I can’t always see it).

You see, for the past two years, I had still been lying to her by keeping things from her; even though almost two years have passed since we first began to talk about my addiction to pornography and we both feel that we have become a lot closer during those two years, there were still some things that I was afraid to tell her because I was afraid to admit them to myself. I was afraid of her reaction, too, but I was more worried about how knowing these things would make her look at me. I was afraid that she would leave me, which is entirely selfish. Reading her post made me think that not only do I want her to trust me, but I want to trust her with a complete picture of me and just how far my addiction escalated before two years ago. I love her and I want what is best for her. The best thing for her is to know the truth.

I am sure you are wondering what I’m talking about, so here it is. It wasn’t just porn and strip clubs for me (though both of those were definitely prevalent); I was also involved in cybersex (starting around the semester that sucked) and phone sex (which I only did a few times with a single person). I am glad that my addiction did not escalate further, and it truly scares me to think of how far it might have gone if I hadn’t been forced to take a hard look at it two years ago.

All of this was before Ann discovered my porn addiction, and all of it stopped along with the porn usage at that time. The timing of when these happened (before Ann discovered the porn and I was forced to confront my addiction and the feelings behind it) does not excuse or justify these actions in any way. I did all of them while I was involved with Ann, though the cybersex started before that. I feel terrible about having done these things during my involvement with Ann, especially since we have been married. I also feel terrible about having done these things to myself. I feel like I cheated on both of us. I am so sorry, Ann and Matt. I didn’t want to hurt either of you.

In my head, these disparate ways of acting out were all aspects of the same thing (my addiction) and I had done them for the same reasons (loneliness, fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, grief, etc.). I do believe this, but using the shared reasoning as justification for not talking about them or acknowledging the extent of how far my sex addiction had escalated was wrong. [Ann, I know I have apologized for this and you have accepted and forgiven me, but I am still sorry.] Ann deserved to know about all of the ways that I acted out; they should never have happened, but I should have at the very least told her about them when I came clean about the rest two years ago. I didn’t tell her then because I was afraid. But I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be afraid anymore and that I’m willing to accept the consequences for my actions. I want to be a man and live up to my ideals and my values. I don’t want to cheat on my wife in any way, and I don’t want to lie to her. I want to do the morally correct thing, and that is to be honest with her and with myself.

When we started talking about this the other day, it took me a while to get to it. Ann and I first discussed other things from my past and I silently debated with myself about whether or not to tell her. Finally, I decided that I couldn’t wait any longer, so I told her about the cybersex. I told her about the phone sex the next morning. I hate it that I have held things back and that they are so jumbled up and layered inside my head that even when they start to come out, they don’t all come out at once. I am glad that I got these out, though.

I also told her about the slips I’ve had in the past two years (though, to be honest, she asked me if there had been any after I had confessed to the cybersex because she had thought that was what I was going to tell her). There have not been many, but sometimes when I have felt very tempted, I have given in and looked at some porn. I have not masturbated to pornography, but I have looked at it. Thankfully, though I have felt tempted to do so, I have not engaged in cybersex or phone sex during that time. I guess I haven’t really “fallen off the wagon,” but I have definitely stood on the edge of wagon, looked down at the ground moving quickly beneath the wheels, and felt like I was losing my grip on the wagon and/or losing my balance, like I was going to fall at any second and it was going to really, really hurt. Thankfully, that hasn’t happened, but I’m still scared that it will. I don’t want it to, and I think that being honest with Ann and myself about my feelings and what’s gone on will help me keep that from happening in the future. I now know, truly know, that I can talk to Ann about anything. I don’t know why I ever doubted it. She is my best friend, and I love her. Why would I keep things from her?

On the one hand, I am proud of myself for telling her these things on my own, rather than her having to find them out the way she discovered the porn. On the other hand, I am extremely ashamed of myself for having kept this inside for the past two years. I do not think that this negates the positive steps I have taken in the past two years, but I know that it was wrong to keep this from her. I am extremely glad that I will not have to carry anymore secrets for another two years (or even another two days!).

Ann has told me that circumstances might be different if I had slept with someone else, but that never happened. She believed me, though I totally understand her initial skepticism. After all, I’d still been keeping some secrets; how many more could I be keeping? I know that the answer is none, and I am glad that she wants trusts me on that. Ann now knows all I have done (not all of the details, though many of those have come out in the past week as well, but all of the general types of things), and that feels good. It also feels good that she accepted these revelations calmly and without judging me. I had feared that she would become quite upset and that she would leave me, but she is still here and she tells me that she doesn’t plan to go anywhere as long as I remain honest with myself and with her and as long as I continue to work through my issues. It’s scary to me to have to take that on faith, but I really do trust her and I believe that she is committed to me and to us. Trusting her is the least I can do after all she’s done for me. I love her more than anything in the world, and I am so fortunate that I don’t have to make it through life without her. Thank you, Ann! I know you don’t see it this way, but I really do think that you have saved me from myself.

I am sorry to my readers, too, for having held things back from you, too. I am sorry for lying to you, and I hope that you still get something out of my blog. Please know that everything that I have written about has been the truth, though it was not always the whole truth. Thank you for reading, and I hope you will continue to do so. To those of you who have contacted me for encouragement (either to encourage me or to seek encouragement for yourself), I hope you do not feel that I have let you down.

Trust

I’d like to write a little about trust, since I’ve been asked how and why I’ve been able to trust Matt again, after everything that’s happened between us.

Well, when I first found out that Matt was still looking at porn (almost two years ago now – it’s crazy to think that it’s been that long!), I felt really stupid for trusting him when he’d told me he’d stopped.  I felt that I shouldn’t have let my guard down and that I should have been more vigilant. My first instinct was to become more cautious and alert in the future.

But eventually I asked myself if trusting him had really been so wrong. He’s my husband, after all – I’m supposed to trust him! And I had reason to believe that I could, so why wouldn’t I have?

Then I asked myself: if I HAD watched Matt more closely in the years leading up to my discovery, would it have guaranteed that he’d never have lied to me? No, of course not! It would, however, have guaranteed that I’d have spent a lot of time and energy being suspicious and watching him like a hawk. My suspicion wouldn’t have softened the blow when I finally discovered the truth; I still would have been lied to and hurt in the end. So the vigilance would have all been for nothing, and the time and energy would have been wasted. I might have felt even worse, thinking that I’d tried but not hard enough.

And then I realized that the same thing could happen again: I could vow to watch him more closely from now on and to not let myself trust him too much — but he could still lie to me if he really wanted to. After all, I’m not with him 24 hours a day, every day. He’ll always have opportunities. So the question then became: how did I want to spend my time and energy? Worrying about what he was doing and watching over his shoulder, even if it wouldn’t guarantee my security? No.

I don’t want him to keep from looking at porn because he’s afraid of being caught. I want him to “act right” because it’s what he believes in and it’s what he wants to do. Otherwise the change in his behavior won’t be worth anything (IMO) and probably won’t last.

I want to be with a man who’s capable of watching over himself and of controlling his own behavior. If I tried to take over Matt’s addiction for him, it wouldn’t do either of us any good. While I can be there for him and help him, ultimately he is the only one who can work through his issues, and I need to let him do that.

When I made the decision to trust Matt again, I thought about our whole history together, and evaluated how he had treated me (and others) the majority of the time. What it came down to was this: I honestly believe he’s a great guy, that he loves me, and that he didn’t do any of this stuff because he intended to hurt me. More importantly, I still felt he was a generally trustworthy person. That didn’t excuse the lies he had told, or make the lying right, but it meant I could move past it and give him another chance. I’m aware that this puts me in a vulnerable position, but it’s a decision I’ve consciously made. If it turns out to have been the wrong decision, I trust that I’ll be able to deal with the consequences.

Obviously each person has to examine the circumstances of their own relationship, and decide whether or not they think it’s a smart idea to trust their partner again. Even if you feel that the other person is inherently well-meaning, you may recognize that they’re not willing or able to change at this point in time, and if that’s the case, maybe it’s not a good idea to trust them right now. No one knows your relationship, or the person you’re involved with, better than you! So look at your relationship from every angle and then trust yourself to know what you should do next. More importantly, trust in your own strength and resilience to get you through whatever ends up happening. Best of luck!