Growing up

Today marks two years since I started this blog. A lot has changed for me, mentally and emotionally, in that time.

I wrote a while ago about 12 steps and how, while the groups are not for me, I was working through the steps themselves. I have continued to do so, and lately I have been really thoroughly doing step 4, so I have been making a real inventory of the things I have done (including the cybersex that I only recently acknowledged to Ann). I am sharing this inventory with Ann, which is part of step 5 (sharing with another person). The sharing is hard, but it’s been good and freeing, even though it hurts at times. Even though it can be painful, hurting like this is better than the numbness that I used to feel.

I feel like crap about the things that I have done. The lies are the worst, which I suppose makes sense. I am sorry for the actions and the acting out, I truly am, but I am more sorry for having not confessed sooner and for having worked so hard to cover things up. I wonder what I could have accomplished in my life and my relationships (friendships, family relationships, marriage) if I hadn’t spent so much effort and time trying to hide what was really going on underneath the surface. I don’t want to be like that anymore, and I’m trying not to. Sometimes, that’s easier than others.

I have lied to Ann; both lies of omission (not telling her about my addiction and how I was so scared and was trying to numb myself to the world) and lies of commission (telling her that I was okay when I wasn’t, telling her I hadn’t said or done things that I had). The lies grew and grew with time, escalating with the addiction. I felt the need to control my situation all the time, even though I know Ann (and others; I have done this my whole life) can handle the truth and should have a complete picture of me and my situation.

I grew up thinking that lying was the worst thing a person could do. I still feel that way, at least to an extent. I hate that I was so scared of “upsetting the balance” that I allowed myself to do just that by holding back from myself, from my parents, from my friends, and from Ann (who I really do love more than I can describe).

I sometimes feel like the lies, which I have now come clean about, have negated what she recently posted about still trusting me, though she has told me otherwise. I trust her, though, so I am doing my best to accept what she has told me while continuing to work through my issues. I have decided that I am going to be a man and step up and take responsibility for my actions, even if there are consequences. It’s hard to do this sometimes, but it’s the right thing to do. That’s all I have ever wanted to do: the right thing. I am tired of trying to control things because it doesn’t work anyway.

It’s time to finish growing up. I know I have grown so much in the last two years (which I have sometimes had to remind myself about in recent weeks, since it at times feels like I’m starting from scratch), and I know that I still have work to do. I’m doing my best to be courageous and not live in fear anymore. Living in fear sucks, and I’m tired of doing it.

I feel like these past two years have been the best of my life (and it’s not like the rest of my life was really bad), because they are the two years during which I have been the closest to being a “grown up” in the maturity sense. That’s what I want to continue. I don’t want to dwell on the past; instead, I want to learn from it and continue my journey forward. Basically, I just want to be the best Matt that I can be.

Thanks to Ann helping me open the door, I have been able to make steps in that direction during these past two years (and these past two months, since I finally came clean about the rest of the facets of my sexual addiction). It has taken a lot of soul-searching and a lot of hard work (and I know the work isn’t over yet; it seems like most days I encounter something that brings an old memory to the surface that I need to discuss), but I feel better than I’ve ever felt. Feeling better is actually scary sometimes, but I refuse to stand in my own way any longer.

Thank you, Ann, for helping me realize that I needed to make changes and for being here for me when I’ve needed to talk things through. I love you. Thank you for not giving up on me. I am not going to give up on myself, either.

So the Little Got More and More (escalations part 2, aka “On Trust”)

I have had a lot on my mind lately, as you’ll soon see. I’m sorry that this is somewhat poorly organized; I just felt the need to get it out.

Last week when I read Ann’s post about how she still trusts me despite the things I’ve done, some things became clear in my head, though admittedly it took a little while for them to do so. I have been struggling with guilt related to the things I’ve done for a long time now, and it has been very difficult for me at times. Reading her post made me very happy on the one hand, because I know that I have made great strides toward “sobriety” in terms of my addiction, but on the other hand, it made me really want to live up to her sentiments – I want to earn the trust that she has placed in me and be the trustworthy man that she seems to know I am (even though I can’t always see it).

You see, for the past two years, I had still been lying to her by keeping things from her; even though almost two years have passed since we first began to talk about my addiction to pornography and we both feel that we have become a lot closer during those two years, there were still some things that I was afraid to tell her because I was afraid to admit them to myself. I was afraid of her reaction, too, but I was more worried about how knowing these things would make her look at me. I was afraid that she would leave me, which is entirely selfish. Reading her post made me think that not only do I want her to trust me, but I want to trust her with a complete picture of me and just how far my addiction escalated before two years ago. I love her and I want what is best for her. The best thing for her is to know the truth.

I am sure you are wondering what I’m talking about, so here it is. It wasn’t just porn and strip clubs for me (though both of those were definitely prevalent); I was also involved in cybersex (starting around the semester that sucked) and phone sex (which I only did a few times with a single person). I am glad that my addiction did not escalate further, and it truly scares me to think of how far it might have gone if I hadn’t been forced to take a hard look at it two years ago.

All of this was before Ann discovered my porn addiction, and all of it stopped along with the porn usage at that time. The timing of when these happened (before Ann discovered the porn and I was forced to confront my addiction and the feelings behind it) does not excuse or justify these actions in any way. I did all of them while I was involved with Ann, though the cybersex started before that. I feel terrible about having done these things during my involvement with Ann, especially since we have been married. I also feel terrible about having done these things to myself. I feel like I cheated on both of us. I am so sorry, Ann and Matt. I didn’t want to hurt either of you.

In my head, these disparate ways of acting out were all aspects of the same thing (my addiction) and I had done them for the same reasons (loneliness, fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, grief, etc.). I do believe this, but using the shared reasoning as justification for not talking about them or acknowledging the extent of how far my sex addiction had escalated was wrong. [Ann, I know I have apologized for this and you have accepted and forgiven me, but I am still sorry.] Ann deserved to know about all of the ways that I acted out; they should never have happened, but I should have at the very least told her about them when I came clean about the rest two years ago. I didn’t tell her then because I was afraid. But I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be afraid anymore and that I’m willing to accept the consequences for my actions. I want to be a man and live up to my ideals and my values. I don’t want to cheat on my wife in any way, and I don’t want to lie to her. I want to do the morally correct thing, and that is to be honest with her and with myself.

When we started talking about this the other day, it took me a while to get to it. Ann and I first discussed other things from my past and I silently debated with myself about whether or not to tell her. Finally, I decided that I couldn’t wait any longer, so I told her about the cybersex. I told her about the phone sex the next morning. I hate it that I have held things back and that they are so jumbled up and layered inside my head that even when they start to come out, they don’t all come out at once. I am glad that I got these out, though.

I also told her about the slips I’ve had in the past two years (though, to be honest, she asked me if there had been any after I had confessed to the cybersex because she had thought that was what I was going to tell her). There have not been many, but sometimes when I have felt very tempted, I have given in and looked at some porn. I have not masturbated to pornography, but I have looked at it. Thankfully, though I have felt tempted to do so, I have not engaged in cybersex or phone sex during that time. I guess I haven’t really “fallen off the wagon,” but I have definitely stood on the edge of wagon, looked down at the ground moving quickly beneath the wheels, and felt like I was losing my grip on the wagon and/or losing my balance, like I was going to fall at any second and it was going to really, really hurt. Thankfully, that hasn’t happened, but I’m still scared that it will. I don’t want it to, and I think that being honest with Ann and myself about my feelings and what’s gone on will help me keep that from happening in the future. I now know, truly know, that I can talk to Ann about anything. I don’t know why I ever doubted it. She is my best friend, and I love her. Why would I keep things from her?

On the one hand, I am proud of myself for telling her these things on my own, rather than her having to find them out the way she discovered the porn. On the other hand, I am extremely ashamed of myself for having kept this inside for the past two years. I do not think that this negates the positive steps I have taken in the past two years, but I know that it was wrong to keep this from her. I am extremely glad that I will not have to carry anymore secrets for another two years (or even another two days!).

Ann has told me that circumstances might be different if I had slept with someone else, but that never happened. She believed me, though I totally understand her initial skepticism. After all, I’d still been keeping some secrets; how many more could I be keeping? I know that the answer is none, and I am glad that she wants trusts me on that. Ann now knows all I have done (not all of the details, though many of those have come out in the past week as well, but all of the general types of things), and that feels good. It also feels good that she accepted these revelations calmly and without judging me. I had feared that she would become quite upset and that she would leave me, but she is still here and she tells me that she doesn’t plan to go anywhere as long as I remain honest with myself and with her and as long as I continue to work through my issues. It’s scary to me to have to take that on faith, but I really do trust her and I believe that she is committed to me and to us. Trusting her is the least I can do after all she’s done for me. I love her more than anything in the world, and I am so fortunate that I don’t have to make it through life without her. Thank you, Ann! I know you don’t see it this way, but I really do think that you have saved me from myself.

I am sorry to my readers, too, for having held things back from you, too. I am sorry for lying to you, and I hope that you still get something out of my blog. Please know that everything that I have written about has been the truth, though it was not always the whole truth. Thank you for reading, and I hope you will continue to do so. To those of you who have contacted me for encouragement (either to encourage me or to seek encouragement for yourself), I hope you do not feel that I have let you down.

More Anxiety

I’m feeling pretty crappy about myself right now; same old stuff. I’m feeling really guilty about all of the crap I’ve done, and I’m still having trouble forgiving myself. My wife has forgiven me, other people involved before she and I were together have too; why can’t I? I know I need to, and I don’t know why I can’t seem to do it. I’m trying. I feel like crying, but I’m not. I haven’t gotten much work done today, particularly this afternoon, and that’s kind of frustrating to me. I’m okay as far as being caught up on stuff, but there is just about always more that I can do. It’s not a big deal; I really am caught up. I’d just like to be ahead rather than just caught up.

Why can’t I just stay happy? Or, if not “happy,” then at least “not unhappy?” I really need to learn to get over myself and make myself feel better. I need to learn to not put so much stress on myself. I don’t have to be perfect; nobody expects me to be perfect but me. It’s when I’ve tried to be “perfect” that I’ve messed up in the past, and I really don’t want to do that. I just want to feel better all the time. Why won’t these stupid feelings go away?

Sometimes, I feel really good; other times it’s really frustrating.